Beyond Performance - MCC by UTMB

Chamonix nestled under Mont Blanc

The MCC (Martigny Combe – Chamonix) by UTMB event covers 40km with 2,300m of ascent and marked the final chapter in my journey through the UTMB® Group series: OCC (2023), CCC (twice in 2008 and 2019), TDS (2022), and UTMB (2017). The final piece in a love affair that’s stretched over seventeen years when I first toed the line of the CCC in 2008; oblivious to the unknown world of elite ultra-running that would unfold beyond my wildest dreams with my athletic career highlight placing 7th female at the UTMB, one of only five British females to place in the top 10 since the race started in 2003.

The start line in Martigny-Combe, Switzerland

During UTMB race week, over 10,500 runners descend on Chamonix from more than 120 countries, supported by 3,500 volunteers; including my dad. It’s a vibrant celebration (or circus?) of human endurance, set against one of the most breathtaking (and heartbreakingly fragile) landscapes on Earth. At the end of August, I stood on the start line in Martigny-Combe, not as an elite athlete chasing a position or time, but to simply participate. I was there to honour the mountains, the rocks, the streams and glaciers - all of whom have changed and endured in parallel to my own journey as a runner and human being.

On this race day, I didn’t wear my Garmin. I didn’t monitor my heart rate or any other data metric. I didn’t take photos. I didn’t chase a pace or position. I didn’t berate myself when someone overtook. This time was just for me; to be with the mountains, rocks, sky, trees and wind, one step at a time. I danced along the trails, skipped over tree roots, sang to the trees, high-fived small children, picked up trash, tucked mugwort and feathers into my hair, and allowed myself to be.

The Mont Blanc massif has always cast its magic upon me, though sadly the changes wrought by the climate crisis are impossible to ignore: glacial retreat, rockfall and torrents of meltwater in the River Arve. The grief and sadness passing Le Tour and Grands Montets glaciers in retreat, was a stark reminder of how much has changed and echoed the inner emotional landscape.

Trails at La Tour, France

Over the course of the event, I found myself reflecting on the years that have unfolded around the world with numerous events; podium positions; and performance goals and who I’m now becoming since finally letting them go. There’s a term I’m currently contemplating: beyond performance. It speaks to the space athletes often struggle to enter after ‘retiring’ from competition. For years, my identity was built on training, results, structure and goals with limited room for ambiguity, intuition, softness or fun.

Performance for what and whom? The following day my Instagram feed courtesy @christhecocreator offers up the words:

How much of your life is a performance for the ghosts who never applauded you?

Ouch.

The literature reveals that transitions out of sport can cause significant disruption to one’s sense of self. Many elite athletes experience “identity foreclosure” - a narrowing of identity around sport to the exclusion of other roles or pursuits (Brewer, Van Raalte, & Linder, 1993); so, when that identity dissolves and disappears in athletic ‘retirement’ there’s a gap; accompanied by grief, confusion, and existential anxiety. If I’m being entirely honest with myself, after the rollercoaster ride of the last couple of years, I can fully associate to this emotional landscape with psychological responses comparable to grief and bereavement (Lavallee, 2000).

This period of transition has not been abrupt, rather a gradual hollowing out. A descent. A surrender. A softening. I've had to relearn how to run, not as a competitor. Not to simply “train,” or log data. Not to prove anything. Not to satisfy a sponsor. Simply to be present. This shift aligns with a deeper appreciation of post-athletic life not as a ‘decline’ or ‘failure’, but as a transition into a different kind and relationship with performance; one rooted in intrinsic motivation, deeper connection to self, and personal meaning (Douglas & Carless, 2009).

MCC finish line smiles in Chamonix

I've changed immensely over these 24 years; along with the Chamonix valley and the rest of the world. I used to see ultra races like the UTMB and other endurance challenges as the space and place to pursue peak performance and push beyond my physical, mental and emotional limits. Now, these events offer the opportunity to move through the landscape; with time for reflection, gratitude, and connection. I’m no longer an “elite” athlete now; though I feel more connected, grounded and present to the moment, the landscape and the people who make my time on this beautiful planet worthwhile.

I don’t know what the next 24 years will bring. But I do know this: my love for these mountains, movement and myself will remain.

And that’s enough.

Another day dawns on the UTMB in Chamonix town centre

• Brewer, B. W., Van Raalte, J. L., & Linder, D. E. (1993). Athletic identity: Hercules’ muscles or Achilles heel? International Journal of Sport Psychology, 24(2), 237–254.

• Douglas, K., & Carless, D. (2009). Exploring taboo issues in professional sport through a fictional approach. Reflective Practice, 10(3), 311–323. https://doi.org/10.1080/14623940903034630

• Lavallee, D. (2000). Theoretical perspectives on career transitions in sport. International Journal of Sport Psychology, 31, 195–220.